January 12th 2010
Dear Journal,
If I am going to be making a daily log of my life I really need to start doing something beneficial with it. Today was a hard day. It was one of those days you want to slap yourself in the face and say " shape up, things could be worse ". I could not seem to get myself out of the rut I had put myself in. All these feelings I was struggling with kept circling through my head over and over again. Those thoughts consisted of the following, I am a horrible mother, I am a horrible wife, I can't make good decisions, Nobody cares about me, No one would seem to mind if I just fell off the face of the earth, Why would they care If I was gone if they don't care when I am around, I spend too much money, I can't keep my house up, I can't stop yelling at my kids, they are going to hate me if they don't already..... etc etc etc. I know these are not only harsh accusations but harsh things to say to yourself. I want out of my rut! I want to be lively and fun, easy going and joyful. I want to be normal!! is there such a thing as NORMAL? if so sign me up because at this present moment I can feel satan's negative powers wrapped around my wrist pulling me away from the reality of life. From the good things I have been blessed to have in my life. It's not enough that I have a wonderful hard working husband that at the end of his hard day still is more than willing to lighten my burden by hand washing the dishes in the sink and sweeping my floors while all the while brushing the hair away from my face and lightly kiss my lips and tell me he loves me and is sorry that I had a hard day, I have to go and let Satan get the best of me and take for grantit the wonderful life in which I am blessed to live? Fine way of showing gratitude eh. I will conquer this challenge! I will not let these precious years with my children slip in between my fingers! I WILL win. If once you don't succeed try try again.
3 comments:
i felt like i was reading my own words. i feel that EXACT way. i have been wanting to write it on my blog, but im imberrassed, and i comend you for writing it down. i feel like satan has wrapped his arms around me and is pulling me under the water. i think he is trying so hard on us mothers because we have kids that have so much potential. he is going though us to get to them. im so sorry though that you feel that way, i know what it feels like. i would care if you feel of the face of the earth(or the porch haha) and never came back. you are the one friend i feel comfortable around to talk to, who knows me, and wont judge me. i hope your day is better today. seriously call me, or text me and we can get through this together. love ya julz. i have a saying in my craft room that says, " know you are beautiful inside and out" and you are. :)
How elegant you are my dear sissy. To speak for all the mothers who don't have the nerve to do it themselves. Ra ra Ra to you. I'm right there with you too. I love you. For me It's hard with teenagers who ignor your around. Forget that your the mother and treat you like smashed gum run over by a tire. I just have to pretend that I am not affected and move on. But on the inside I hurt. I love my kids and all the kids and when they turn on me I feel betrayed. I miss my sissies and the kiddies. I miss my Mommie and Daddie too. It was nice to be there even for a short time. but coming home yawl weren't here. The lonelyness set in. Julie you would be missed so very much. You carry a glow about you and have much joy to share with the family and the kiddies. Give ole Satan a swift kick in the back side and tell him to scoot on out of your families lives!! You can handle it with Christ and Heavenly Father holding your hands. Pushing just is not allowed. I love You!
you are so normal! i feel like this all the time, thankyou for sharing im not brave enough to express my self and admit all my faults! hang in there...and yes LOTS of people would care if you wernt here anymore!!!!!
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